


lovemail!

by lovelight (Delenaley)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Drunken Confessions, EMAIL confessions, Hopeful Ending, M/M, and they were HOUSEMATES, no more letters we are modern men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:22:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28194648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Delenaley/pseuds/lovelight
Summary: Please don’t run away in the morning. I heard you saying you love me too, and I need to know if I didn’t make it all up. Even if I did make it all up in a drunken haze… I hope you’d still allow me to be your friend. You don’t have to want me back, but I don’t know what I’d do if I have to leave your side.Quite sober, very hungover, and certainly yours,— Lucas ♡(or, Renjun's feelings may not be as one-sided as he initially thought)
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas
Comments: 47
Kudos: 198





	lovemail!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lunalius](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunalius/gifts), [eggboyksoo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/eggboyksoo/gifts).



> back by unpopular demand: **ME.**
> 
> dedicated to d & nat who ganged up on my mentions for [this](https://twitter.com/layverse/status/1339843314430820352) tweet, icb i ended up thinking abt it so much i woke up at 2am and wrote the letter with one eye open. also big thank u to kiki for looking over this and letting me scream about how to end it. i love u guys (●'◡'●)

“Your boyfriend’s drunk.”

Renjun punches Jaemin on his shoulder, hard enough to make him wince, rubbing at the spot. 

“Who’s my boyfriend, huh?” He scoffs, setting his half-empty cup down on a random surface. 

“Who else?” Jaemin rolls his eyes, then leads him through the crowd of sweaty costumed people with ease.

Renjun hopes that the Peter Pan hat is hiding his definitely reddening ears. He knows, of course. It’s embarrassing that his friends, and possibly everyone else who are acquainted with them, keep referring to Renjun and Lucas as each other’s boyfriends, but there’s nothing they can do to stop them. 

Not if Renjun is willing to risk exposing his feelings. Not when Lucas is being so casual about it, obviously not harboring the same sentiments as Renjun himself.

They arrive at the backyard of Chenle’s house, just as heavily decorated as the inside—plastic skeletons scattered in various outfits and positions, fake tombstones and a cauldron added for the aesthetic, complete with an assortment of Halloween themed cookies on a table beside it. One of Chenle's housemates must’ve baked it. 

There are only about five people scattered all over the backyard. Renjun is sure the couple under the tree is doing something that would probably traumatize him and quickly averts his gaze. The graveyard silence is a stark contrast to the inside of the house, where some weird remix of Spooky Scary Skeletons is blasting, complete with random shrieks and howls from the drunk partygoers.

Lucas is laying down by one of the fake tombstones, long limbs sprawled like a starfish.

“He passed out,” Jaemin says.

“He passed on.” Renjun deadpans, walking toward Lucas and lightly kicking at his ankle. “We should just bury him.”

Lucas cracks one eye open. His wig, part of the Thor getup, is nowhere to be found. His red cape is bunched, the fake Mjolnir still gripped in one of his hands. 

_ “Renjunnn,” _ he drawls, a lazy grin blooming on his face. “Don’t be mean, I missed you.”

Renjun sighs. 

It never ceases to be weird, being used to Lucas’s antics. If he went back in time and told his younger self he would become close to a random dude he lives with, his younger self would knife him in the jugular. 

In his defense, Lucas is very easy to like. 

But that’s all he had to be. A likeable guy, a friend. Yet Renjun’s brain decided to kick it up a notch because all his life he’s never been satisfied with doing things in half, so he’d gone and fell for him too, like a complete fucking idiot.

Renjun crouches down next to Lucas and blows softly on his face, just to be a menace. “Can you walk?”

Lucas shivers, but both his eyes are open now, more alert.

“Yeah.” He mutters weakly. “Gimme a minute.”

Renjun settles on the grass and pokes the fake muscles on Lucas' Thor costume.

“Where’s your wig, big guy?” He asks.

“Itchy." Lucas sniffles. "Took it off.”

Renjun purses his lips. Well, he has nothing to say to that. It’s probably somewhere inside the house getting trampled under the throng of people. Renjun wouldn’t risk his life to find it even if Lucas paid him for it. Rest in pieces.

Another minute passes before Lucas groans, "Help."

"Alright," Renjun huffs, and hooks one arm under Lucas' armpit. Jaemin shows up and takes Lucas' other side.

Renjun tries not to let his surprise show, and decides not to think about Jaemin witnessing their entire exchange. It was completely innocent, nothing to be teased about; but Renjun sometimes thinks that when it comes to Lucas, he is not very good at covering the heart on his sleeve.

"I called a cab," Jaemin says once they reach the sidewalk. "Will you guys be okay?"

Walking was a painful process, they had to drag Lucas through the other side of the house so they wouldn't have to pass the crowd. Lucas has never been this drunk, and Renjun knows this because all the parties Renjun's been to since he reached second year were all attended with Lucas in tow.

It was usually the other way around, Lucas giving him a piggyback ride or straight up carrying him when he's too out of it to walk. It was embarrassing, but Renjun is masochistic enough to never deny Lucas' care.

"Don't worry, it's my turn to take care of him," Renjun replies, and Jaemin makes a complicated expression.

When the car arrives, Renjun places a grumbling Lucas gently on the backseat before heading inside. Before he could, Jaemin touched his elbow with a gentle hand. "Hey, Renjun."

Renjun signals the driver to wait and closes the door, turning back to face Jaemin.

"What is it?"

"Talk to him," Jaemin says. "Tell him how you feel."

Renjun stiffens. "No."

"Whatever you think is going to happen, you won't know until you try it." Jaemin's voice is gentle even when he's chiding him, like trying to reassure a small animal that he's not going to hurt it. "Better to take that leap of faith, than live with regrets."

He sounds almost pained when he said the last sentence, and Renjun flinches when he remembers why. Jaemin, too, nurses deep feelings for his best friend, but decides to keep his mouth shut—this year marks the second year Jaemin has to live with watching said friend be happy in a committed relationship with another person.

Renjun doesn't want to imagine himself in that position.

He tries to speak, but a rapid series of taps interrupts him, reminding him of the car waiting behind them.

"Think about it," Jaemin says with a finality, and walks back into the house.

Renjun enters the car to find Lucas curled on the other side, probably fast asleep. He gives the driver the direction to their boarding house and settles on his seat.

Against his wishes, Jaemin's words start to sink in.

♡

Lucas is sulking.

Lucas isn't refusing his help, but he's being less touchy and talkative. Before they got into the car, he was constantly clinging on Renjun and mouthing his ears off. Now, he's subdued, silent in a way that makes Renjun's skin crawl. It is not in Lucas' nature to be quiet. 

Even his silences are loud, always the presence that lights up a room.

Renjun doesn't know what to say, so he says nothing. If Lucas wants to talk about it, he will. In the meantime, Renjun will lead him to his room and get him ready for bed. He places the fake hammer on Lucas' desk. Lucas is sitting on his bed, pouting, still in the ridiculous Thor-getup.

"Let's get you out of this, shall we?" Renjun can't help but chuckle.

Lucas is still cooperative, at least, despite the disheartening silence he displays at Renjun's attempts of cheering him up.

After successfully wrangling Lucas out of his costume and making him lay down on his bed, Renjun leaves him to go grab a glass of water and some painkillers. When he walks back in again, Lucas is staring at the door with his brows furrowed.

Renjun gives him a small smile in hopes of reassuring him, he will ask about this sudden bad mood in the morning. “Hey there, big guy.”

"Love you," Lucas whispers, nearly inaudible. 

Renjun stills, nearly dropping the glass of water he's holding. 

It takes him a while to move again, he places the glass on Lucas' bedside table. Lucas has said this before, several times. Sometimes Renjun believes that Lucas is only this big to store all the love he has in him, giving it away so freely and easily. He's the most loving person Renjun has ever met, like someone had taken a golden retriever's heart and placed it inside a human.

He loves easily, without realizing that he too, is so,  _ so _ easy to love.

It never ceases to catch Renjun off guard, though, hearing Lucas say he loves him. Like a wound being reopened over and over again, constantly and foolishly hoping that one day it will heal—that Lucas would say those words and mean it the way Renjun wanted it to mean.

"I love you too," Renjun replies. Tonight, he allows himself to be a little more honest, "Even if you don't love me the way I wish you would." 

Lucas frowns, and Renjun is filled with the sudden fear that he's actually more sober than he looks.

"No... I  _ love  _ you. I don't like it when you're not around, when you're not looking at me. Love you, Renjunnie. Want you." 

Renjun nearly chokes, he thinks his heart might've actually stopped beating.

He takes a step back, hand reaching for the door handle. "Don't do this to me," he murmurs, heart hammering inside his chest. "Not when you're not even sober to say it." 

"Renjun.." Lucas shifts like he's about to get up, but his eyes are still somewhat unfocused.

"No. Goodnight, Lucas." Renjun opens the door and  _ bolts. _

♡ 

Renjun cries as soon as he gets to his room. 

It tires him enough that he completely forgoes changing and falls asleep still in his Peter Pan costume. 

He wakes up later than he normally would. Grateful that it’s a weekend, but dreading the idea of having to face Lucas. He spends another half an hour in the shower crying and takes his sweet, sweet time putting on his clothes.

Just to stall even further, he decides to sit down and open the notifications on his phone.

There’s an email. 

From Lucas.

Renjun lays down on his bed and stares at the ceiling with contempt. 

If he reads it now and it turns out to be bad, he can just spend the rest of the day in his room and hide. He has enough snacks stocked here, and the other housemates know not to bother him when his room is locked. If it turns out to be bad… Renjun will have to ask his landlady for a refund and regretfully find another boarding house or even move into the university dorms. 

What a shame, he really likes this house and the people in it.

Aside from all his ridiculous romantic feelings, he really likes his friendship with Lucas too, and the thought of severing their friendship pains him more than he’d like to think; but if that’s what Lucas wishes, then he has nothing left to do but take the respectful exit from Lucas’ life. 

It’s now or never.

Renjun takes a deep breath, and clicks on the notification.

**From:** Lucas Wong, Faculty of Humanities <yukheiwong@foh.smu.edu>

**To:** Renjun Huang, Faculty of Arts and Performance <rj.huang@foap.smu.edu>

**Date:** Nov 01, 2020, 5.20 AM

**Subject:** IMPORTANT. DON'T SKIP, PLS READ.

> _ Renjun. _
> 
> _ That sounds ominous. Junnie ( ✪ワ✪)ノ _
> 
> _ (I learned that from Kun, did you like it?) _
> 
> _ Nevermind though!! Hear me out!! Well, read me out, I guess. I know that even if I banged on your door until the wood breaks, you still won’t talk to me. I know how you are, so I decided to do something else. Something that can serve as a proof in the morning, I hope. I’m even using proper punctuation and spelling so you can tell I’m Very Serious about this.  _
> 
> _ I wanted to text you at first but my phone is too small and my eyes hurt. Then I wanted to do letters but I remembered you’re my pen dealer and I can’t exactly borrow from you right now. I’m only hoping that Word will autocorrect my mistakes well. I AM sober, I swear. Just not THAT sober. Technology is really cool, I think if I have to write with a pen for assignments again I will simply quit university. _
> 
> _ So. Well. _
> 
> _ I do mean it when I said: I don't like it when you're not around, when you're not looking at me. Stupid, because I know I have your attention more than others do. A privilege and miracle. But you see… when it comes to you, I realize that I can be quite greedy. No... Very greedy. I want all your attention to myself.  _
> 
> _ I want you to myself.  _
> 
> _ I think about you a lot. You'd be eating snacks in our stupid couch with your greasy little fingers and your horrible, horrible cheeks; and I'd still spend the entire afternoon thinking about taking your face in my hands and tasting the food straight from your mouth. I thought about how it would feel to have your fingers on the collar of my shirt, your knees digging on my ribs.  _
> 
> _ Sometimes it’s not even that at all. Sometimes I see you laughing because of me and I think of becoming your personal court jester or something. Sometimes I just want to buy you socks. Ankle-high and patterned with cartoon characters. To keep you warm, to keep you happy. When I’m rich, remind me to buy you lots of socks. _
> 
> _ I'm not a man of words. You know this. You saw my essays, helped review them, even. You always say that everyone has their talents, and mine does not lie in poetry. Well, I have my own theory: maybe all my poetry was just reserved for you. Or maybe I’m not good at poetry at all, but I like to think you bring out the best in me.  _
> 
> _ I don’t need to be good at words to know I love you, though, nor to say it. All I need is for you to believe it. _
> 
> _ Please don’t run away in the morning. I heard you saying you love me too, and I need to know if I didn’t make it all up. Even if I did make it all up in a drunken haze… I hope you’d still allow me to be your friend. You don’t have to want me back, but I don’t know what I’d do if I have to leave your side. _
> 
> _ Quite sober, very hungover, and certainly yours, _
> 
> _ — Lucas ♡ _

Renjun sits back, breathless, speechless.

"He..." Renjun feels laughter bubbling in his throat. "He  _ what?" _

He thinks of Jaemin’s words last night, about taking a leap of faith, and tries not to dunk his head into his study desk.

Renjun doesn’t even need to do it. Lucas swept the confession right under his feet. 

“Socks,” Renjun repeats, like an idiot. “He wants to buy me socks.”

Just as Renjun stands up, there’s a knock at his door.

“Junnie,” Lucas calls from the other side. “Are you awake? Can we talk?”

He sounds small, vulnerable. Renjun’s chest tightens. He wants to hold him and never let go. What a silly man, knowing Renjun so well that he would resolve to sending him a fucking  _ email _ as substitute for a love letter. 

Renjun loves him a ridiculous amount.

“Yeah,” he says, clutching at the hem of his shirt. “We can talk.”

Renjun strides forward, and opens the door.

**Author's Note:**

> talk to me on [twitter ❤](https://twitter.com/layverse). if u made it this far thank u!! (○｀ 3′○)


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